Mother of Seven + 2

Sitting at the supper table, I reached over and ran my hand down my husband's leg.  With a twinkle in his eye he said, "Hey, whatcha doing?  That's my leg." In our usual, often repeated, fun-loving exchange I answer back, "No, it's not.  You married me.  It's mine now." The two youngest seated across from us exchange grimaces and exclaim, "Gross!" We just laugh, but Kaishawn always ready for a debate takes up his father's cause, "It's not your leg, Mom." Taking the teachable moment we share I Corinthians 7:4. "A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does.  In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does."   I Corinthians 7:4 CSB We explain that when people are married, they are no longer two people.  They become like one person sharing all. Kaishawn, trying to process, questions, "So that means you and daddy are the same h...

Sometimes it is tempting to give up.  It's too big of a job.  In reality it is impossible in human terms...to become like Jesus.   With each passing year I only become more aware of my failings. Looking out our patio windows this morning I contemplated these words,  "Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared their humanity..." (Hebrews 2:14a)   The horizon began to lighten. An orange glow crept slowly up the eastern sky.   The gradual transformation from darkness into light whispered to my heart. The sun suddenly seemed to be floating on the tree line, and it hits me.  Before Jesus called me to become like him, he became like me.  Tears slowly formed and overflowed.  He took on flesh.  He faced everything I face.  He understands. "Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a high priest who is una...

Worship. That was the answer he gave me. I was struggling in a relationship. I had done all I could. Nothing else was left to do, and things were still awry. Turning to a godly mentor, I expected to hear a tangible list of options. His answer was "worship." I was taken aback. However, I had nothing else I could do. So I focused on worship....Worship of the one and only Creator...Worship of the Almighty and All-powerful God...Worship of the One who holds all things in his hands. In that time I discovered that I had become wrapped up in self. I was focused on my human abilities to fix a problem. I had lost sight of God. Worship didn't fix the human relationship where I was struggling. However, worship righted my relationship with God that had become out of focus amidst the strain of human struggle. Much of the Old Testament is focused around worship, I realize. The Israelites either worshipped God or they worshipped idols. I often shake my head at th...

Right or wrong?  I'm not sure.  It's what I had to do.  Mentally I couldn't deal with it every day. I had prayed for our son, Troy, daily when he left us.  The sadness would overwhelm me each time.  The pain. The grief. The anger.  It would all come rushing in.  I didn't have the strength to deal with it.  I finally laid it before God.  I told him how deeply I loved our son.  I told him I cared, but that I was entrusting Troy to him to remember each moment and each day.  And then I asked him to tell me when he did need me to pray.  I laid it there, and I literally left it there. I haven't prayed for Troy daily for a couple years.  Sometimes I've felt guilty.  I've wondered what kind of mom I am.  However, I would remember that my God is bigger then my weaknesses and failures.  I found comfort there. I woke up October 30 with Troy heavy on my heart.  I realized God was telling me to pray.  I a...

Change.  It's not something I embrace easily.  I like knowing what to expect.  I take comfort in the familiar.  The unknown is formidable. It scares me.  My sense of adventure consists of rearranging my furniture once every five years. When my husband began feeling the Spirit's prompting to move, it was a struggle for me.  I can't say I made it easy for him.  I dug my heels in and pulled back hard.  It wasn't exactly the picture of a submissive wife.  However, it did lead to much prayer and soul searching on both our parts.  My husband loves and cherishes me.  He fasted and prayed, begging God to bring him to where I was if that was His will.  Instead God brought me to a point of peace and submission. I have been contemplating what I want to say to a church family who has loved us for almost 23 years.  How do I even begin to have the words to say as we face change together... and yet separate? It's the separate part ...

Our daughter had a wonderful wedding day surrounded by many, many friends.  So, I don't want anyone to take this post wrong.  However, God placed this on my heart the evening after the wedding, and it has changed my perspective and maybe just maybe helped me see the heart of God better. After a beautiful wedding on Saturday, I lay in bed reflecting.  I began to realize there were people missing that had been invited.  Some disappointment seeped in.  How much I had wanted to share the day with them.  Even though many had not RSVP'd I had hoped it was an oversight and had made sure we had more then enough food.  There were a few moments of sadness that I had not had the opportunity to share this special day and now a memory together with them.  However, I understood the demands of life.  I myself have missed important events in the lives of my own family and close friends. Then this hit me... "At the time of the banquet he sent his s...

The depressed mind...it struggles with these verses.  "Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again:  Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:4-7 Rejoice always???  Do not be anxious!  Thanksgiving?  Peace??? "Joy" and "anxiety free" living are counter to everything I felt during my deep struggle with depression.  I still have days and weeks that are hard.  There are times I want to scream and say these verses unrealistic. Praise God for his wisdom over mine though.  It has ended up being these verses that have helped me the most when I struggle with the darkness.  Although my feelings tell me differently, I choose t...

I'm feeling battle weary this morning.  It's been a week of spiritual battles at our house. Beseeching God for a wandering son. A heart torn apart as tough love had to step forward. Grappling with whether we did the right thing. Seeking God's guidance for a son searching for God's will. Feeling his struggle. Deciphering when to speak or when to be quiet. Battling the wills with our younger two. Trying to reach their hearts. Feeling defeated more often then not. It's easy during these times to make it about me.  I was reminded of that when I read these words, "The idol of idols really is the idol of self.  We make it all about us.  We put ourselves in the center of the story." (Paul David Tripp, New Morning Mercies, August 3.) I want to say, "Why can't something come easy for once?"  I want certain outcomes because I would feel better.  I'd truly feel like my time had been better spent if God answered in a certain way.  Thi...

Gazing at my toes through clear rippling water Delight bubbles up within me Peace soothes my anxious heart Water sparkles The sun glances off Its coolness washing reviving A shimmering delight cascading over rocks shouting a symphony of praise Downward it tumbles Rushing back to years long past Another man sat by a brook The land of Israel gripped by famine God withheld the rain The brook provided drink The birds brought food The servant was sustained Sin brought hunger hardship But God did not forget The God who sees who hears provides had met him at the brook Again there is a famine A hunger of the soul Emptiness consumes And brokenness destroys Our faithful God doth still sustain As strength is granted Pain is soothed Heart is mended   And Spirit once more overflows The water 'round my legs Clear Cool Cleansing Reflection of my God...

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.  I wanted to weep.  There seemed only a shell left of the man I knew and loved. But it was a day of celebration.  Resurrection Sunday.  Easter.  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I left a feather soft kiss on his cheek and said words to distract my hurting heart.  "I bet you are enjoying having your family all home."  With effort he acknowledged he was. Taking a deep breath I headed to my seat as the tears threatened to fall.  It was a beautiful service.  Songs about the Father's great love for us, praises to God for the resurrection, and worship from the body of Christ filled my heart full. Even as I lifted my voice and offered myself to God, there was a bittersweet ache as the shadow of death lingered near.  There were no more medication options.  Hospice was coming this week. What brings a dying man to church?  Every move took great effort.  But he was there.  There w...

Worship this past Easter Sunday brought tears.  They were tears of gratefulness for all God has done for me.  They were tears of longing for the coming of Jesus and the final resurrection.  They were tears of joy for the hope that we have through the resurrection of our Savior.  They were even tears of pain being released....pain that is the result of hardship and suffering in this world. This morning I read about the suffering we are called to in Christ. "But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."  I Peter 4:13 My heart is full as I realize that yesterday was just a taste of that glory that will someday be revealed to us.  A small taste of glory...that my soul deeply longs for. The past four years have been difficult for me.  I have watched one son walk away from his family and his faith.  I've watched another son struggle with deep dark depression, and I'...

"What does it take to get on your church's prayer list?  Do you have to have a heart attack?" These words grabbed me this morning as I was listening to an interview with Alistair Begg. I'd been awake since 3:45 this morning.  My heart was heavy with concern for the spiritual lives of several of our boys.  I'd been laying it before God, but I was also hurting and feeling alone.  I was questioning my parenting and wondering where I had gone wrong.  Part of me feared judgment if I reached out and asked for prayers for some of the struggles.   I was fighting my own spiritual battle of feeling like giving up.  There was the temptation to wash my hands of it all and walk away.  I felt drained. My husband, understanding my need to rest and refuel, sent me to my room today and ordered our younger two "to leave mom alone."  After listening to a couple sermons, I read the book of Colossians.  At the close of the book, Paul instructs the beli...

Windows rattled. The winter wind blew. The cold seeped in. It chilled my skin. Fear slipped inside. Icy fingers wrapped 'round my heart. Its lies were whispered to my soul as it bid me come into its hole. Paralyzing my thoughts, ensnaring my spirit, it promised my heart to fill, and it drew me in against my will. Darkness closed in. The cold burrowed deeper. Shivers coursed through me. Succumbing, I felt no strength to flee. With captivating power fear pulled me deep inside. No warmth within was found. Instead a barren prison did surround. I shouted in pain, beating the air with my cries. Love had gone awry, and I determined no more to try. Exhaustion at last took hold. I lay on my tear-spent bed, with eyes swollen and drained, my heart frozen and pained. Then a gentle Spirit whisper I heard through the bars of fear. A voice call from above... "There is no fear in love" I roused my weary head...