Mother of Seven + 2

Photo from www.freedigitalphotos.net About a month ago, I wrote a post discussing where we are at in dealing with RAD.  When I finished I was unsure about posting it.  I set it up to post late in the week, so I would have time to think and pray about it.  I woke up suddenly in the early morning the day it was to post realizing I still was uncertain.  I felt my way through the dark to my laptop and removed the post.  I filed it with my documents and thought I might use the post the next week with some revisions made to it. The next week rolled around and guess what?  My computer crashed.  I lost the post because I hadn't backed up my documents in the last several months.  I decided this was my answer.  I should not make that post. Here was my dilemma.  I wanted to share in order to reach out and minister to other families dealing with this disorder.  It is a difficult challenge.  I've needed the encouragement from other...

I have a confession to make.  I am a control freak.   Ok, that was a little hard for me to say.  But now you know.  I wouldn't want to be the captain of a boat during a storm and have to rely on the lighthouse signal to keep me safe.  That would make me feel like things were out of my control. Parenting can be difficult for control freaks.  (Actually, that is probably an understatement.)  Somehow children are born with wills of their own.  They are all about being in control themselves.  So comes the clash of the wills.  Is the parent or the child going to get their way?  Having a child with RAD whose main struggle is to fight for control of everything, has brought this control freak to her knees. This past week I spent each day praying and asking God to help me give my son more control of his actions so he can learn to choose correct behaviors for himself. One challenge that came my way was the feeding of the dog. ...

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net When we adopted we were told that Michael had been diagnosed with RAD, but we were given little other information.  At first I felt like this was a mistaken diagnosis.  Soon we were to find out that it was not.  We were in no way equipped to handle this challenge.  It has been a "live and learn" experience for us. We have not had professional counseling for Michael because what is available in our area is primarily individual.  From my reading it seems that family and parent counseling is the best option in dealing with RAD.  I have read and read and read to find information and answers.  We try some things and they work.  Other things we try are complete failures. The method of parenting that we have found to be most helpful with RAD is described in the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay.  It has helped teach Michael cause and effect.  It has aided him in lea...

We have many friends who have adopted.  From time to time I want to share some of their stories.  Encouragement can be found through common experiences.  For me it helps to know that we are not in this alone. The following is from a fellow classmate at Ozark Christian College.  Her family has been involved in oversees adoption.  For the protection of their privacy I will not share their name or pictures, but I hope you will read their thoughts and experiences with attachment in adoption.                       Attachment in Adoption We didn’t think attachment, or rather the lack thereof, could happen to us! Our first two children were adopted from a wonderful, loving orphanage where there was no shortage of food or workers, and our babies were held and cuddled at every meal and played with in between meals. Our daughter, just days after her birt...

I believe the stealing for Michael started as a result of losing so much.  As the children moved from home to home, they lost not only people they loved but often times possessions.  For the first year Mikey was with us he would ask over and over when he would get his things that were left at previous foster homes.  We were able to get some of his things and that seemed to help.  However, when we finally just had to tell him that some things were gone and he would just need to be thankful for what he had here, he was very upset.  Michael has found security in things.  In fact, he struggles to throw even a candy wrapper away.  Many times I have had to clean out his room when he is not around because it was so emotionally traumatic for him to have me go through his things and get rid of the broken toys and trash. One of his chores for awhile was to empty the trash cans, but we quickly changed that job because he dug so many "treasures" out of the trash...

I was browsing through my journal in 2009 and ran across these thoughts.  For anyone dealing with RAD, it is difficult teaching your child to form healthy relationships.  Over the past two years, Michael has come a long ways.  However, this has been a part of our journey, so I will share in hopes that it will help someone else along the way in their journey with RAD. ******************************************************************************************************* "I'm beginning to see more and more things that just don't make sense with Mikey.  We are realizing that he has no sense when it comes to relationships.  In the last six months, we have seen things like him running up and tackling a man he had never met at church, hugging and pulling on an elderly man's leg to the point where he knocked him over, and just Saturday he was hanging on and hugging a young man he had just met two minutes previously.  These are just a few of probably more than 1...

One of the hardest struggles I faced was with Michael.  He was so cute and charming with everyone else that it was hard for me to feel like I could reach out for help with what we dealt with at home.  I worried that if I shared, others would say things like, "That's how it is with adoption.  You just can't love another person's child like your own." And to be honest, I had begun to doubt my ability to truly love this little boy.  I was scared that they would be speaking truth.   Understanding Reactive Attachment Disorder became critical for our relationship to improve.  Children with RAD fail to make proper attachments for one reason or another.  For Mikey I think it was the perceived rejection by those closest to him that caused him to resist our love.  He had dealt with losing his biological parents.  Then he was in five foster homes before he came to us.  He had been told he was loved, and yet all of the sudden these people wer...

Mikey had a desperate need to feel like he was in control of his life.  So much had been out of his control.  He would be with a family one day and suddenly he would abruptly be moved.  Things were given to him only to be lost when yet another move was made.  He had no power to control these circumstances.  His reaction to this was a determination to run his own life. The experience we had in child rearing did not equip us to handle this type of determination.  I was used to telling my children to do something and if they didn't there was a consequence.  After a few times of this, they would soon comply to what they were told to do.  This did not work with Mikey.   If I told him to do something, there was an instant battle.  His posture was one of defiance.  The consequences never seemed to phase him no matter how severe.  We prayed and racked our brains.  I read lots of information and finally it dawned on me.  W...

Michael was 5 1/2 when he came to us.  His hazel eyes and cute round face with a light sprinkling of freckles was quick to charm those around him.  At first we didn't see any real problems.  We just saw a little boy who needed love and stability in his life.  Mikey was quieter then the other two, and the first few months were uneventful.  This was a blessing as Troy was in need of so much time and attention in the beginning. However, as we attempted to be not only loving parents but the authorities in his life, we began to meet strong resistance.  There was no convincing Mikey to be obedient.  I remember him sitting in time out in the kitchen.  He would sit there, but the whole time he would be saying quietly, "You're not my mom, you can't make me do it, I can do what I want," over and over.  I would calmly explain to him that I couldn't start the timer until he was quiet.  I would add a minute each time he said something.  It oft...

It seemed like a little thing. A piece of paper with two small hearts. A colorful box drawn in one corner. A face of a boy with glasses sketched under four simple words. But those four simple words meant so much today. They simply stated, "I love you mom." With seven kids in the house, I hear those words quite often. Today was special though. The words came from Mikey. They came out of the blue for no apparent reason. I hadn't hugged him and told him, "I love you" first. I hadn't given him anything. He just told me he loved me, and I wept tears of joy. Mikey will tell me he loves me when I tell him that I love him. He will tell me he loves me if I give him something. But I don't ever remember him just telling me he loves me without something to prompt him. This is a milestone, and my heart is overflowing with joy. I haven't shared Mikey's story yet. He was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder before he came to our...