Mother of Seven + 2

Not only is it vital for children to bond with their parents, adoptive parents need to bond with their children.  Bonding takes time -- lots of it .  I believe the amount of time is different for each parent and child, but whether the time be short or long it is worth it. As I shared at the beginning of this series on bonding, God gave me a connection with my children before we even knew them.  However, just like with a phone, a connection can be weak.  It can be intermittent. Or it can be lost.  This connection had to be built upon so that a bond was formed. My husband formed a close bond with our oldest adopted son within the first year.  It was my husband that was able to reach Troy through all his anger.  He held him when he raged out of control.  He cried with him.  He talked to him.  He learned to love what Troy loved (football) in order to reach him.  My husband is as close to him as any of our other children.  It ha...

We all want a close feeling of connection with our children.  How does that come about?  Does this natural connection only happen with birth children?  Is it possible in adoption? A birth child is genetically like his parents.  It is remarkable how much of the time a child is the physical mirror image of one his parents.  Often times there is a natural understanding between them because of the similarities in personalities.  Another factor that figures in is the unexplainable bond a mother has with a child she carries in her womb for nine months.   Some have alluded that all this makes having the same sort of bond with an adopted child almost impossible.   I understand these sentiments, but my heart wants it to be different; and I think it can be. Consider the Father, the Son, and us.  Jesus is God's one and only Son (Jn. 3:16).  The Father and the Son are One.  They are completely connected.  Yet that has not kept Go...

Physical strength and energy to love was not the hardest hurdle for me in the bonding process. Our new children had many needs that were time consuming.  Also just by nature they were demanding--what children aren't?  There was literally no time for the special little times that I was accustomed to with our biological children.  For example, I would sit down on the couch to read a book to the children, and my new aggressive children always took the seats by me and left the others on the outskirts.  I would want to say something to correct the situation, but then I would get the "you love them more then me" treatment.  In my head I knew our new children were insecure and needed time to feel secure in our love, but it was hard for my heart to understand.  This is where my struggle with resentment came in. I resented our birth children getting pushed to the side.    Probably the hardest thing for me was when they mistreated other children in...

An important part of the bonding process for me was the letting go of the past. Going ahead down the road.  Image: dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net One weekend we left our three adopted children (at the time they were still foster children) with a special previous foster family who wanted to spend time with them.  We visited a museum with the other children and went on a walk.  It was so calm and peaceful.  We had a delightful time.  On our way home that evening, I broke down crying.  I didn't know how to put into words what I was feeling.  But in a sense I was mourning for what had been our family and how it had changed.  I realized the finality of our situation.  Although I wouldn't have changed it, there was a part of me that grieved for what was no more.  The children helped me realize I couldn't live looking back.  By the time the weekend was over they were truly missing their brothers and sister....

Every person's experience with adoption and bonding will be different.  I only can share from my own journey. God planted in my heart love for a little girl who needed me .  I didn't know who she was, but I prayed for her.  Over time we opened our hearts to a sibling group .  Somehow I knew it would be three, and I would pray for our three children whom we did not yet know.  When we picked up our children I felt a connection because I had prayed for them daily for several months.  It was easy to take them in my arms and tell them I loved them.  I truly did, but I didn't know how much that love would be tested. In the beginning weeks the sheer stress of adapting from four children to seven was enough to make me question my sanity and, yes, even my love.  Many times I didn't think I could function another minute.  I remember kneeling beside my bed begging Jesus to intercede on my behalf.  I cried out, "Lord, you know my heart.  N...