Feelings versus Truth

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The depressed mind...it struggles with these verses.  "Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again:  Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice always???  Do not be anxious!  Thanksgiving?  Peace???

"Joy" and "anxiety free" living are counter to everything I felt during my deep struggle with depression.  I still have days and weeks that are hard.  There are times I want to scream and say these verses unrealistic.

Praise God for his wisdom over mine though.  It has ended up being these verses that have helped me the most when I struggle with the darkness.  Although my feelings tell me differently, I choose to believe that God in his wisdom would not ask me to do something impossible.

When the depression was at its worst I poured over the Word in the early morning hours. Desperation drove me there.  Some days I could only cling to these words, "Lord, I believe.  Now help my unbelief."  Many times my feelings didn't line up with what the Word spoke as truth.  When my feelings dictated my day, it was filled with despair, sadness, and no will to continue.  It was a difficult, near impossible place to live.

I didn't realize it at the time, but my morning ritual became a time when my brain was reset.  It was a time when I focused on God and his truth,  despite my feelings.  Some days it only took a moment from the closing of the Word for the darkness to close back in, but I found relief in the quiet of the morning.  I longed to lose myself with God.

Eventually what I found is that God's Word began to take control of the feelings that overwhelmed me.  Scripture began to combat the darkness.

I told my anxiety that...
"My God will provide all I need."
"I am weary and heavy laden, but God will give me rest."  
"The Lord is my shepherd, I have everything I need."
"Be still. God is God no matter what happens."
"Seek God first, and all
the rest God will provide."

I told the depression that...
"God is light.  In him is no darkness."
"The joy of the Lord is my strength."
"Weeping last for the night, but joy comes in the morning."
"My hope in the Lord is reason for joy."

I'm grateful for God's truth.  God's truth helps me evaluate my feelings.  Too many times I have let my feelings dictate "my truth" to me.  However, when I let "His truth" speak to my feelings, I find freedom from the darkness.  God's peace settles in my soul and guards my heart.  I love that.

I share this portion of my story because just this week I saw in the news another story of suicide.  I wish I had all the answers to be able to prevent these stories.  I wish I was always free of the depression, and that I could say I've completely overcome it.  I can't say that.  I can say though that I wouldn't be where I am without other Christian friends who have shared with me their own struggles and spoken God's truth into my life.  If you struggle with depression don't be afraid to be vulnerable and reach out for help.  There are many people like myself who understand.  You are not alone.  Perhaps one of Satan's biggest lies during the dark times is that he makes us feel like we are all alone.  God's truth triumphs our feelings.  Hang onto that truth!


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