Mother of Seven + 2

  I awoke with an old hymn in my heart this morning.  This photo reminded me of the words, "...though sorrows like sea billows roll.  Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well.  It is well with my soul."  And I am thankful...thankful that all is well despite the storm! Photo from www.freedigitalphotos.net It is hard to even begin to describe this year for our family.  Back in January, we began dealing with a rebellion with one of our sons that was difficult to understand.  There were sleepless nights.  There were days he didn't come home.  Many were the tears.  The concern and anguish ran deep.  We prayed and sought God as never before.  We turned to others for outside help, seeking counseling and prayers. It felt like things could not get worse, but it did in March.  Another son ended up in legal trouble.  We faced the difficult decision of turning him over to the authorities to be placed in juvenile detention or to place him ourselves in a place w

I have always used canned spaghetti sauce as pizza sauce for my homemade pizza.  However, it often has unnecessary additives in it unless I want to fork out more dollars.  I like to save as much as possible on groceries, so I looked for a recipe for pizza sauce that would be inexpensive to make.  I found this one that is yummy, and I only modified it slightly.  The original recipe was  Kittencal's Pizza Sauce . Pizza Sauce 3-4 Tablespoons olive oil 1 medium onion, finely chopped 3 garlic cloves, minced 1 Tablespoon dried Italian seasoning 2 teaspoons oregano 1/4 c. tomato paste 1 (28 oz) can crushed tomatoes 1/2 to 1 teaspoon salt (I thought 1 teaspoon was too much, but my husband liked it) 1 Tablespoon of sugar In a saucepan, heat the olive oil; saute the onions, Italian seasoning, and oregano for 2-3 minutes. Add in garlic and saute for another 2 minutes. Add in the remaining ingredients; cook and simmer on low heat for 30-45 minutes. stirring occasionally. Th

   Pain so deep. A twisting in my stomach. A crying of my heart. Pain so deep. My soul questions. My mind can't comprehend. Pain so deep. It pierces. It threatens to destroy. I cry out. Why? How? I fight the answer. It is sin. The fall of man. Sin destroys. An aftermath continued from Eden. Leaves no one untouched. Yesterday as soon as worship started at church my eyes filled with tears.  I could not stop them.  They rolled down my face each one chasing another.  My heart ached.  It cried for my hurting family.  It wept over the pain of sin.  Anguish for my lost son gripped me. I struggled.  I hoped no one saw.  I wanted to bury the pain.  Hide it from those around.  But it demanded to be released.  I longed to let the grief shake my body. To let the pain take its course. Last night on our drive home, there was a beautiful full red moon.  I watched as dark clouds would pass over its surface from time to time.  It reflecte

I have had many friends express their concern and love for our family throughout this year.  In fact, I have a stack of cards sitting on my desk right now to which I'd like to respond personally because each one came at a time when the love and words were desperately needed. I feel bad because I have not been able to do so.  Thus I am blogging in an attempt to answer my many friends who have been concerned about how I am doing.   Emotionally, I have good moments and bad moments, good days and bad days,  good weeks and bad weeks.  At times I feel like I am doing well, and then I find myself struggling.  So I may tell you I am good, and I probably am in that moment.  However, I can be crying in the next moment.  Sometimes I can talk about it and even need to talk about it.  Sometimes it hurts too bad to talk. My husband sent me to a counselor who ordered me to take care of myself.  She said I needed to refill my cup which has been drained so that I would have something to give to

I am going to be brutally honest here about Mother's Day. I don't like it much. Every year I have hopes and expectations.  They get crushed within moments of getting out of bed.   As usual I was the first one up this past Sunday morning.  I showered early so there was plenty of time to get everyone up and ready for church.  As I came downstairs I noticed the breakfast table wasn't set.  At our house this is a regular chore.  It is to be done at bedtime each night by one of the children.  Mother's Day.  It was forgotten.  Not done. My mind started its fuming.  I have to admit I had a temper tantrum.  I decided right then and there I would get myself ready, and we would see how everyone else managed on their own. 7:15 rolled around.  One child showed up.  I asked, "You up to make some breakfast?"  My hopes were squashed as she headed to the shower. 7:45.  Children rolled out of bed.  They wanted to know when breakfast was.  I told them I didn't k

The past four months have been the hardest in our lives.  A couple of our boys are going through what we hope and pray is only a season of rebellion and finding themselves.  I cannot share the depths of our pain or theirs, because I respect the privacy of our children. However, I can testify to what God has done when our world has been broken and shattered. God has walked beside me each step of the way .  I realize more fully what Christ has done for me. The agony of the cross became real.  Suffering because of sin brought me to my knees.  And I am grateful not to be alone.  I do not travel a path where he has not been. God has shown me the way to find peace is through praising Him .  In the dark of the night, when sleep would not come I would read in the Psalms and cry out to the Lord along with David.  I noticed David often turned to praising God.  When I did the same quietly singing praise songs to God, peace would come to my soul and rest would follow. God has provided

In the midst of a storm plants are bent low flattened to the ground. Petals on flowers  strewn in the puddles their beauty washed away. Rain like tears  gathers in pools sometimes rushes in torrents. Text message: "You are on my heart.  Praying for you all day as I am planting flowers and thinking of all your children." Light breaks through the clouds Peace enters my heart Tears cease falling. I am reminded... Storms will end Plants will lift their heads New flowers will bloom. The storm the rain prunes the weak. The storm  the rain brings new strength. The storm  the rain nourishes the roots. The storm the rain enables fresh beauty to burst forth. Patiently I planted watered and tended seeds God has given me. Others are transplants special gifts in need of tender care. Plants have grown and I have loved nurturing them with pride. Now I must trust Him their Creator w

Dear Ryan, Wow, you are 21 today. I remember so well going to the hospital in the early morning hours because my water had broken.  You were two weeks past your due date. True to your nature, you were not in any hurry to make an entrance into this world.  Late afternoon we finally were able to hold you in our arms for the first time. I thought you were beautiful with all that dark hair.  You were bigger then the doctor had predicted weighing in at eight pounds even.  At 22 3/4 inches long, there wasn't a bit of fat on that long skinny body.  And your feet!  Your footprint didn't fit on the little card they stamped it on.  I thought then that you would some day grow into those feet and do big things for Jesus. You had beautiful big brown eyes with long eyelashes.   Eyes are a window to the soul.  From the time you were a toddler you took Jesus very seriously and were concerned that he was a part of your life.  You had heard it taught at church that Jesus lives in your he

Dear Kaytlin, Nineteen years ago I awoke in the early morning on a day somewhat like today.  It was a bitter cold outside.  I was uncomfortable and couldn't sleep. I remember your dad got up with me and distracted me from contractions that were 7-8 minutes apart.  We played solitaire on our new computer.  After awhile I grew restless and so I made sure my bag was ready for the hospital and did some things around the house. I was pretty sure I was in labor, but I wasn't in pain.  I finally called the hospital when the contractions were about five minutes apart.  They advised me to do some walking for 30 minutes and then if the contractions were closer after that to come on in.  So I went next door to the church and walked around the auditorium.  My contractions did get closer together, but it sure didn't feel anything like my first labor. I decided to rest on the couch and play with your brother, Ryan, for a bit.  At about noon I suddenly felt edgy and grumpy.  I t

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?..." Isa. 49:15a  Bonding begins naturally in the womb.  It happens as an infant suckles at his mother's breast.  In the dark of the night as a fussy infant snuggles close and the smell of parent and child mingle, the bond tightens.  This process of bonding happens as naturally as we breathe. In adoption bonding also occurs, but it begins in a different way.  It began for me with a vision and a prayer for children not yet my own.  I loved before I ever knew.  Then just as with all children the bond and love grew as we lived life together.  In recent months we have encountered some challenges.  As I watch one of my children struggle my heart is pained.  It hurts deeply for them.  I want to protect.  I want to shelter.  The reality...I no longer can. I cannot forget the early days.  The pain my child had gone through ripped at my very soul.  I cried out to God.  Please hel

Our family is encountering a particularly tough time.  I will not recount any particulars because I respect my children's privacy.  However, at a time when emotions are raw, I'm learning how great is the love of my Heavenly Father. When the storm rages the flesh struggles and the heart is pained. When the storm rages doubts arise and the mind cannot comprehend. When the storm rages each breath  becomes a matter of will. When the storm rages nights are sleepless the days an emotional haze. When the storm rages conversations ensue questions need answers. "Lord, I feel betrayed." "My daughter, I was betrayed." "Lord, I gave my love." "My daughter, I gave my Son." "Lord, I poured my life into him." "My daughter, I poured my life out for you." "Lord, I can't." "My daughter, I can." When the storm rages He is there My God i

Dear Michael, Today is your 14th birthday.  It seems like in this past year, you changed overnight.  We looked across the breakfast table one morning and wondered what happened.  That cute adorable 5 year old boy had turned into a handsome young man. As we look to this coming year, we pray for you.  You will be entering high school this year.  You will daily make decisions that could affect your future.   May you make those decisions with God and His ways in mind.    We were proud when you decided a month ago to start reading your Bible on your own.  It made tears come to this mom's eyes to find you up early diligently reading.  Don't give up just because you miss a few days or even weeks.  We understand.  God understands.  Our flesh is weak.  However, we have to remind ourselves that we don't live by our flesh but by the Spirit of God in us.  God's Word in you is power.  Satan does NOT want you to have that power.  May you determine to keep fighting like a soldie