For Those Who Are Praying

I have had many friends express their concern and love for our family throughout this year.  In fact, I have a stack of cards sitting on my desk right now to which I'd like to respond personally because each one came at a time when the love and words were desperately needed. I feel bad because I have not been able to do so.  Thus I am blogging in an attempt to answer my many friends who have been concerned about how I am doing.  

Emotionally, I have good moments and bad moments, good days and bad days,  good weeks and bad weeks.  At times I feel like I am doing well, and then I find myself struggling.  So I may tell you I am good, and I probably am in that moment.  However, I can be crying in the next moment.  Sometimes I can talk about it and even need to talk about it.  Sometimes it hurts too bad to talk.

My husband sent me to a counselor who ordered me to take care of myself.  She said I needed to refill my cup which has been drained so that I would have something to give to our children who all have a great many needs right now.  Writing is therapy for me.  It helps me sort out my thoughts and understand life around me.   So when I get my few hours of alone time a week, I find myself attempting to put into words the myriad of thoughts and emotions that I am dealing with.  It is helping.

Physically, I am working on recovering from exhaustion.  I still have a few nights a week when I struggle to sleep because my brain is trying to solve problems too big for me. I have fallen asleep while reading books or saying prayers with our little ones.  Some days I have a hard time functioning because of the fatigue, but it is improving.

Stress has taken its toll.  Sometimes I will suddenly feel anxious.  My stomach will feel upset, my chest feels tight, and it can be hard to breathe.  I have never experienced "anxiety attacks" before.  It is frightening because things feel out of control.  However, I am learning to deal with them.  I have to take deep slow breaths and talk to God.  I tell him that this all belongs to him, and I will trust him with it. These attacks never last more then a few minutes.

Spiritually, my faith is strong.  God has been with us each step of the way.  We feel His presence.  We see His work.  We do not feel alone.  I cannot imagine going through this type of heartache and struggle without God.  I can still say each day that "God is good."

Photo from freedigitalphotos.net

To all the prayer warriors out there, we know God is hearing your many prayers.  Michael is doing pretty good in the boarding school where he is at.  There have been no major problems, and he does seem to be happy.  Troy continues to struggle and we are facing some difficult decisions.  However, there appears to be hints of a softening going on in his heart.  Please keep praying.  There is an intense spiritual battle going on.  As for the rest of our family, pray for God's protection and love to surround them.

We love you all.  Thank you for all the love you have poured out on us!

God Bless,
Natasha