When You Have To Let Go

Heartache.  Deep, painful, agonizing heartache.  For a season that felt like it would never end, I carried a weight of anguish that tore at my very soul.  Parenting had been the source of immense joy for me, but at the same time there came with it intense sorrow.    Learning to handle this heartache is something that for me personally both challenged and grew my faith. 

During this time I learned to appreciate the words of Psalm 77.  The lament of the Psalmist was much the same as my own heart cry to God.  It says, 

I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. 

In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;

in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;

my soul refuses to be comforted.

When I remember God, I moan;

when I meditate, my spirit faints.

You hold my eyelids open;

I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

I consider the days of old, the years long ago.

I said, “Let me remember my song in the night;

let me meditate in my heart.”

Then my spirit made diligent search:

“Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable?

Has his steadfast love forever ceased?

Are his promises at an end for all time?

Has God forgotten to be gracious?

Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” 

(Ps. 77:1-9)

Have you ever lived the words of this Psalm?  Have you ever wondered why it is “in the night” so often we are most tormented with the agonies of life?  Why is it in the darkness that we lay awake as we wrestle and weep and question?

It was Spring 2020 about 3:00 in the morning.  I could not sleep.  I did not want my tossing and turning to keep my husband awake, so I got up and went outside and sat on the porch swing on our deck.  The night was dark and pressing in around me.  The air was cool against my tear streaked face.  I wept for our 19 year old son.  He was addicted to alcohol.  He admitted that.  I knew drugs were involved too.  The help he wanted was not the help he needed.  What were we supposed to do?  It seemed so heartless not to “help.”  I knew he would soon be living on the streets.  

We had been through so much already with this son of ours.  We had adopted him when he was 5 years old.  He had Reactive Attachment Disorder.  That wasn’t an easy road.  By 14 he was in legal trouble, and we placed him in a boy’s home for two years.  He came home and finished his junior and senior year of high school, but moved out a month before graduation declaring his independence.  Now he had nowhere to go, but we could not take him in.  He wasn’t ready to give up his lifestyle, and we had younger children at home to think about.

I cried and I prayed to God.  It felt like I was turning my back on our child.  It felt like God who asked us to take in the orphan, had somehow forgotten us and left us writhing in pain.  As I rocked slowly back and forth letting my heartache spill out, the stillness of the night reminded me of a verse from Psalm 46:10. “Be still and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth.”  

I slowly ceased my rocking and gazed up into the dark sky. The many, many stars were shining brightly.  I hadn’t noticed them when I came out.  I thought, “Ok, God, I acknowledge you are the Mighty God who made this great universe.  You are the God who promised Abraham that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky.  I truly don’t understand my little speck of dust on this great earth that I live on, but if you are big enough to create all of that out there and hold it together then I can try to just rest and Be still.  Please help me.”  

It was then in the quiet that God spoke to my heart.  It wasn’t an audible voice but He clearly said, “Trust me.  Michael was yours for a season.  Give him back to me.”  I wrestled with those words for awhile.  Then I said in my weariness and pain, “Ok, Lord.  He’s yours.  I’ve known that from the beginning, but I give him completely back to you.  But could I ask just two things.  Please don’t let him die out there on the streets before he comes back to you.  And if I give him up, please bring someone else into his life that will love him and speak Jesus into his life.”  That was the moment I let go.  I had to let go and release my child completely to God.  It was emotionally wrecking me to hang on any longer.

Abraham releases Ishmael

The Bible gives us several examples of men and women who released their children to God.  Go back to Genesis and the first patriarch, Abraham.  God gave him two sons in his old age.  The first son, Ishmael, was born to Sarah’s handmaiden, Hagar. The second son, Isaac, was born to Sarah and was the long-awaited, promised son from God.  Abraham no doubt loved both of his sons.  Due to the conflict between Sarah and Hagar, Abraham was forced to send Hagar and Ishmael away.  God assures Abraham in this release of Ishmael that he would make a great nation out of Ishmael even though it is not through him that Abraham’s offspring would be named.  (Gen. 21:12, 13) I cannot imagine how heart wrenching it must have been for Abraham to watch his son, Ishmael, disappear over the horizon line with his mother, Hagar.

Abraham releases Isaac

However, God doesn’t stop there with Abraham.  God speaks to Abraham and asks him to give up his only son left, the son of promise, the son he loved, and sacrifice him as a burnt offering. Abraham never seems to waver in his obedience to God.  He takes Isaac and heads to Mt. Moriah.  When Isaac asks about the sacrifice Abraham replies, “The Lord will provide.”  Then he binds Isaac and reaches for the knife to slaughter him.  Not until this point does the Lord intervene and provide a ram for the sacrifice.  God commends Abraham saying, “Now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.”  (Gen. 22:12)  The book of Hebrews tells us that Abraham believed that the God, who had given him a son when he was as good as dead, would be able to resurrect his son from death. (Heb. 11:19) To raise that knife was an action of release by Abraham.

Hannah releases Samuel

Hannah is an example of a mother who released her child.  When we meet Hannah, she has no children, and her heart aches and longs for a child. She is distressed and weeping before the Lord.  She promises God that if he gives her a child that she will give him back to serve him all the days of his life.  God does indeed give her Samuel.  What astounds me is the young age at which she gives him back to the Lord.  He would have been no older than 4 or 5 when he went to live with Eli.  It is somewhat natural to give up an older child.  As they grow, we slowly release them into adulthood and independence.  Samuel was just a toddler.  He still needed a mother’s care and nurturing.  Yet Hannah trusted God, kept her word, and gave Samuel to him to serve in his temple.

Both Abraham and Hannah must have faced a few sleepless nights.  They had to have questions about God and his plan as they released their children into his hands. We can look back at these Biblical stories and see clearly God’s plan for Abraham and Isaac, and for Hannah and Samuel.  However, as they lived their stories, there was no way they understood the big picture.  They simply walked by faith.  As I think over their stories, I see beautiful examples to follow of people who trusted God...a God who is all-powerful, loving, and faithful. 

The Father releases the Prodigal Son

Remember the story Jesus told about the Prodigal Son.  Look at Luke 15:11-24.  We find a father who has two sons.  The younger son demands his inheritance.  The father releases him...lets him go his own way. The son wastes all the money on reckless living.  Before long he is destitute and finds himself feeding pigs.  It is then that he comes to his senses and realizes his father’s servants are better off than he.  He returns home, and we read these words in verse 20, “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.”   The father was watching for him, and then in a manner that is not at all dignified he runs to his son, embracing him and kissing him. However, that is not enough.  He clothes him with the best robe, he puts a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet.  He treats him like royalty though he is undeserving.  He throws a banquet, killing the fattened calf because, “For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.” (V. 24)

When we release our children to God we are releasing them to their Creator and Heavenly Father.  He longs for their return.  He is waiting and watching.  He’s had this whole love story for them set in motion from the beginning of time.  We as their earthly parents are only a small part in their dance with an eternal future.  It is a dance we all must learn.  We can’t dance it for them. 

I think as parents we all understand that our children are gifts from God that belong to Him.  Sometimes though we are forced to release our children in painful and unnatural ways.  It may be through rebellion, addiction, illness, and even death.  Coming to terms with and accepting that reality is the most painful thing I’ve encountered as a parent. 

How do we Release our Children?

Let’s go back to Psalm 77 where I began.  I believe the Psalmist gives us a huge clue in the last half of the Psalm.  Remember as we pick up reading he is sitting in the dark wondering if the Lord has forgotten him...

Then I said, “I will appeal to this,

to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

I will ponder all your work,

and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Your way, O God, is holy.

What god is great like our God?

You are the God who works wonders;

you have made known your might among the peoples.  

You with your arm redeemed your people,

the children of Jacob and Joseph.

When the waters saw you, O God,

when the waters saw you, they were afraid;

indeed, the deep trembled.

The clouds poured out water; 

the skies gave forth thunder;

your arrows flashed on every side.

The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;

your lightnings lighted up the world;

the earth trembled and shook.

Your way was through the sea,

your path through the great waters;

yet your footprints were unseen.

You led your people like a flock

by the hand of Moses and Aaron. 

(Psalm 77:11-20)

Remember God's Faithfulness

Did you see what the Psalmist did?  In his night of darkness and despair, he stops and he appeals to the past and all God’s mighty right hand had done.  He stops and remembers.  He remembers a time of God’s rescue.  He remembers the triumph over Pharoah in the crossing of the Red Sea. In the remembering he sees God is faithful.  He sees God is in control.  He sees God has a plan.  In his remembering I believe he finds comfort and strength for his weary heart.

God was faithful to Abraham making great nations of both of his sons.  He was faithful to Hannah blessing her with more children and  raising her first born son up to be the prophet Samuel who led God’s people for many years.  Abraham and Hannah did not live to see God work out his entire plan for their children, but they released their children knowing their God who was faithful in the past would be faithful in the future.

This faithful God of ours portrays himself as the Father in the story of the prodigal son. Why? Because his heart is to draw all men to himself.  After all each one is his creation, and he loves them far more than we do.  He sent his Son to save them.  So when they are wandering, he is watching and waiting for their return.  He cares deeply, and he will run undignified down that road to embrace them when they are still along way off.  He's still got this even when we are helpless and have had to release them.

This past December we celebrated Christmas with Michael.  It was the first time in four years.  For three of those years, we didn’t know for sure where he was most the time.  He was in and out of jail.  He was on the streets and sometimes with his birth family.  He was never anywhere very long it seemed.  However, the last six months he had been through rehab and was now living in an Oxford house. Michael apologized that he didn’t have much to give us for Christmas.  I assured him having him there was enough.  Then he pulled out of his pockets his four Celebrate Recovery coins and gave them to me. We hugged and cried.   I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas present.  It was then I knew in my heart the lost had truly come home.

On April 25, 2024 Michael celebrated one year of sobriety, and we threw a party.  Michael is active in his church and is looking forward to what God is going to do in his life.  But do you know what humbles me the most?  It is realizing that God answered the two prayer requests I made that night I released him.  Michael has told me of several close calls he had while he lived on the streets...bad drugs, gang activity, and almost getting hit by a car.  God spared his life.  God also brought someone into his life who loved him and spoke Jesus into his life.  When Michael humbled himself and sought God, our Heavenly Father was waiting and watching for him.  God saw him a long way off.  He set in motion a preacher by the name of Joe that Michael met shortly after he moved into Oxford House.  Joe was adopted as a boy, and he understands and gets Michael.  Joe has taken Michael under his wing, guiding him spiritually, and helping him get his life back on track physically as well.  

Michael (gray shirt) with some of his Oxford House friends.
Also pictured a brother and mentor from his church.

I often tuck Michael’s recovery coins in my pocket as a reminder of God’s faithfulness.  They give me encouragement when I think of our other prodigal son who is still out there.  He is in God’s hands.  I know that.  The coins also remind me that our God answers prayers.  When I feel discouraged with struggles we have with our two children still at home, I look at the coins and remember God hears. Even if their stories are not like Michael’s, I can trust my God who loves them. There is always hope with God.  He is faithful.