Mother of Seven + 2

My Grandma Mary Ann passed away Thursday, July 28.  God blessed me with a special visit with her just one week previous to that.  Grandma had suffered from dementia for several years.  The last night I saw her she had more clarity of mind.  God is good. Dear Grandma, Our last evening together is one I will always treasure.  It was a gift from God.  I don't know if you knew for sure who I was, but you knew I was family.  We both knew we belonged there together in that moment. I held your soft hand as we talked and shared memories.  I wasn't sure of what all you were telling me about, but your smile and gentle laughter filled the room.  A rush of memories flooded my mind.  So many of them were of your laughter. Leaning against your chair memorizing the beautiful laugh lines on your face, I remembered being a little girl sitting on the floor in your classroom looking up at you as you read books to us.  Our favorites wer...

Last year at this time we had placed one of our boys in a boarding school.  Another of our sons had chosen to leave us and return to his birth family. Though we had not experienced death, we were mourning the loss of two children.  Our hearts were torn apart by sorrow that seemed to never end.  It was a longing to hold them in my arms one more time.  It was a giving up of hopes and dreams. It was an ache that went on and on. When life has changed...how does one live in the new normal?  A year later, I still don't have all the answers.  I can tell you the things that helped me the most. Let yourself grieve .  Our family counselor and a good friend both told me I needed to let myself grieve.  I didn't have to be strong.  That was freeing for me.  And I did grieve.  Some days all I could do was cry.  Even now as I write this, tears surface.  I don't cry as often now.  Most weeks are good.  However, there are sti...

Amber's favorite Bible story always has been Paul and Silas.  She loved to hear her daddy read the story because he did it with all the dramatic effects.  They would sing and pray while in prison, and the whole bed would shake during the earthquake.  Then Amber would want him to read the story again.   As I reflect back on Amber's life I realize how much she has lived this story.  She had been chained by fear for years...imprisoned in a cell with no bars.  When she was just three years old, I would wake up at night to hear her singing "Jesus Loves Me" in a quavering voice.  She would feel alone, sad, and trapped.  She sang to the one who loved her.  She had many a sleepless night, but she talked to God.  As an older child when her heart was troubled she spent hours outside on her scooter listening to Christian music and singing to God.  Singing and Praying while in prison. We experienced an earthquake last year, but it freed ...

Working in my kitchen Hearing children's voices at play Feet thumping up back steps Door thrown open Four year old palm grasping treasure Plunks it upon the counter A crushed dandelion the first this spring gazes up at me Excited words spoken hurriedly "Hey, mom, I picked this dandelion just for you." Then back out the door he dashes Only an hour later I look upon the bloom Now withered with petals curling inward And it hits me Time is fleeting Little boy today Grown tomorrow and gone Many a dandelion bouquet Handed to me over the years A pure expression of a child's love Laid down to wither Not fully appreciated Put aside thinking there will always be more Wanting to cherish these moments For tomorrow is flying by Let me hold this flower of motherhood And soak up the love it contains For the days of dandelions in grubby hands Are fading as the sun begins to set

Our Avarie Faith soft springy spiral curls sparkly dark chocolate eyes infectious smile skin a soft brown Our Avarie Faith bright questioning mind flare for the dramatic feels deeply longing for love and acceptance Our Avarie Faith music speaking to her soul body set in motion rhythm pours out emotions released Our Avarie Faith eyes searching noticing the differences wondering where she fits why she feels different Our Avarie Faith asking the hard questions "Why were there slaves?" "Why do they like him better then me?" "Why did he think that joke about black people is funny?" Our Avarie Faith hearing seeing feeling life as it is in her world As a white mother of a beautiful African American bi-racial child, my eyes are seeing things through her eyes now.  Things I never saw before or felt, I see and feel now.  I used to say prejudice and discrimination no longer existed.  That is n...

Thinking back as I sit in my quiet spot with my cup of coffee warming my hands....realizing how I have sometimes offered up prayers not understanding the full meaning of the words I spoke. "Lord, I want a life in which I can't live or breathe without you." Bold words.  I said them with noble intent.  I truly wanted every breath that I took to be with Jesus by my side. However, when I am honest I have to admit I wanted Him to be by my side as I lived my chosen life the way I desired.  I wanted to see the way where I was going.  I wanted a storybook life where everything turned out right. As my world spun out of control last year, I came face to face with the reality of the words I had spoken.  There were days I literally could not take the next breath without him.  The life I was so sure God had chosen for us seemed bleak and desperate.  I could not understand. All looked dark.  "Lord, how do I live when I can't see where I am going?" ...

It was a year ago our world was turned upside down.  Life as we knew it would never be the same.  I picked up my prayer journal today and read from January 20, 2015. "My heart is broken.  It feels like a knife is plunged into it and then it just keeps turning and cutting, slowly draining the life out.  Lord, I need your healing.  Hold me in your arms.  Wipe away my tears.  You are the Great Healer.  You can fix things that are beyond broken..." That was the beginning of last year.  I had no idea the pain that would follow.  The tears would keep coming. When I thought there could be no greater heartache, there was more.  One event followed another. We lived in the reality of "hurting people hurt people." I did not understand the ramifications of that prayer for healing, or the pain that it would put our family through.   In retrospect I understand now that only He knew what could bring about true healing.  What I tho...