Troy came to our home when he was 7 years old. He had been badly hurt. In the past 2 1/2 years he had been in 5 foster homes and had been abused in ways that to this day break my heart. The one thing he was determined NOT to do was to love us or to allow us to love him. The first year was challenging. He was guarding his heart from ever being hurt again.
Troy would get angry and yell at me with tears, "Just call foster care and have them come get me!" I'd tell him that parents don't do that. We are given children, and we love them through the hard. "I don't want you to love me," he would scream. Over and over we went through this. Finally one day I took the phone and set it in front of him. I said, "Troy, if you are that miserable here, you may call the foster care agency. But I will never NEVER make that phone call." He lay his head down on the table beside the phone and sobbed, but he never threw those words around again.
When Troy was hurting, he didn't come to us as many children would. There was a tree outside that he would climb at least 20 feet up in. I could look out the dining room window and see him swaying there in the upper branches. He would be angrily swiping the tears from his face. I longed to hold him, to comfort him, to simply love him. He would not allow me to.
Troy's anger on a few occasions required my husband to physically restrain him. I vividly remember one time, as I started our church prayer chain on his behalf. It was scary, but Troy finally calmed down. Then after that I know it was by inspiration of the Holy Spirit that my husband took Troy to our porch room where we had an old mattress. He told him he wanted him to punch the mattress and pretend it was everyone he was mad at. Troy refused. So Les began punching the mattress. As he did he became angry himself. He told Troy I'm angry at all the people who have hurt you, and he named them one by one as he took his anger out on the mattress. He said, "Come on, get up here. Punch this mattress. You should be mad." Troy finally got up and gave a couple half hearted punches. Then an amazing thing happened. He crumpled in my husband's arms, and he cried. He finally let anger go and let love in. There was a turning point that day.
Troy's heart told him that it was dangerous to love. His heart told him no one would love him. His heart told him to protect himself from other people's love because they would turn around and hurt him. Troy's heart told him lies.
Jeremiah 17:9 says,
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"My spiritual heart can deceive me into believing falsehoods. According to I John 3:20 my heart can even condemn me. Thankfully, it goes on to tell me that God is greater then my heart.
My heart is the seat of my emotions, but there are positive and negative emotions. Unless I am letting God's love fill me and to push out the negative, there is great potential for emotions like anger, hatred, pride, and envy to take over my heart. These emotions begin to rule. They become a dangerous guard around my heart that blocks out the love of Jesus.
I have a choice. Do I let down my guard and allow in God's love as a guard for my heart? Is it worth the risk? We had many happy years with Troy before he came to an intense struggle once again with his past. I remember his laugh, his smile, his exuberant hugs. Love is worth it...every time. God feels the same way about me. May I never put up a guard that keeps out his love which is the ultimate Guard and Protector of my heart.
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