Deep hurt and pain do not go away overnight. Betrayal changed me. The "open armed" love that I had embraced life with was replaced with fear of being hurt again. Depression and anxiety became my companions.
How to forgive became the question? Or was it how to keep forgiving when new wounds were exposed? How to keep forgiving when the old wounds festered and broke open? How to forgive when the one who has wronged me does not seek forgiveness?
Loving broken children is never easy. However, I still truly believe every child deserves love and a chance at a better life.
Our on-going struggle with Troy who was nearly eight when he came to us was no secret. He was severely wounded. We prayed. We enlisted many to pray with us. We loved with all we had. We often failed in understanding, but we would get up and try again. Our hope was in God...God who is the Great Physician. Nothing is too big for him.
We thought a lot of progress had been made, but midway through Troy's sophomore year in high school things began unraveling rapidly. This fun-loving, seemingly happy young man changed almost overnight. We faced explosive anger. There were so many lies, we couldn't find the truth. There was a fascination with knives and weapons. Some nights he didn't come home. He went to the police and reported us for abuse. He came home clearly intoxicated. We tried to love. However, being in a place where we had to use tough love, he never perceived it as love. He was determined to leave. If possible, he planned to take Mike and Amber with him. He clearly told us what our lives would be like until we let him go. He kept his word. It felt like a living hell.
We sought godly counsel for him and our family. I begged God for his repentance and restoration to the family. I lay weeping on the floor asking God to hear my prayers. However, it wasn't his plan. Our family counselor told us we had to let him go. As if the pain of his rebellion and betrayal wasn't enough, after he moved out we discovered the wreckage he had left behind for members of our family. He had hurt them in ways I wasn't sure I could forgive.
I had no idea how to love and forgive the one who has caused so much pain or how to continue loving those who were bleeding and left behind at the same time. I know now that God knew this difficulty, and that is why he let Troy leave us.
Forgiveness has been hard. There is pain in this story that reaches further then the words on this page. It is a pain that haunts. It is not fair. It is not right.
As I've grappled with forgiveness, the only peace I find is in focusing on my Savior. He came and died for me and all the sins I've committed. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. I think of him on the cross alone with the weight of my sin on him. He didn't deserve my punishment. Yet, he took it. He made my forgiveness possible.
Christ's forgiveness granted me freedom from sin. It also made it so I could offer forgiveness to others and turn their offenses over to Christ who took it all upon himself. I don't have to keep carrying that burden. I extend the forgiveness of Christ, and then I let Him carry the burden.
How to forgive? The only way possible is to keep in perspective what Christ did for me. I am also undeserving of that forgiveness.
"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 (NIV)
How to keep forgiving when new wounds are exposed? I have to remember that God's forgiveness is on-going for me. His righteousness continues to expose my sin, but his forgiveness continues to cover my wrongs.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I John 1:9
How to keep forgiving when old wounds fester and break open? I keep in mind that Satan wants to defeat me with this. He wants nothing more than to feed anger and bitterness in my soul. When the hurt breaks through, I take it back to the feet of Jesus. I offer it to him, the one who forgives me each day. I give it to him, the one who understands far more about forgiveness then I do.
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior." Ephesians 4:31
"See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Hebrews 12:15
How to forgive when the one who has wronged me does not seek forgiveness? That is hard. I've heard it argued that you can't really forgive someone if they don't ask you for forgiveness. I have wrestled with that over and over. I have prayed and sought the Lord. I was only able to find peace in my heart after saying, "Lord, I forgive." Otherwise, angst grew within me. I wasn't at rest. Bitterness and anger threatened to take over.
In my wrestling, I realized God forgives me of many sins I probably never have acknowledged. Perhaps I didn't realize it was a sin at the time. Maybe I forgot about the incident. Sometimes I just haven't been to the point of being ready to grow in that area of my life. God in his goodness extends his love and forgiveness, anyway. So, I seek to have a heart of forgiveness though I may never be asked.
I'd like to think that I've arrived and finally have a grasp of this subject, but I don't. When I started writing this I had no idea that a couple days later I would be holding one of my children as they wept for the pain caused our family. The pain surfaces again. I weep anew. I beg God to help me to continue to forgive, and I lay it all at the feet of the One I know I can trust. I hold tight to the One who has the Forgiving Heart that has no limits or boundaries.
"He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west." Psalm 103:10-12
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