Pride played a role. I wanted our family story to be that "perfect" story. I wanted love to be enough to heal all wounds for our children. It wasn't. It all came crashing down when Troy walked away from us at the age of 17. We were completely broken and devastated. I didn't feel I had anything to offer anymore except for maybe sadness. And really, who wants that???
Fear crept in. I began to wonder if I knew anything that was worth sharing. What if I posted something that was wrong? What if I encouraged someone to adopt children, and they went through the same crushing heartache?
Depression set in, and anxiety took hold in my mind. Daily I struggled to live each day. I can look back now and see it all for what it was. Time has a way of revealing truth. It was learning to live with grief. This was something I had no idea how to do.
I realized last month that I am once more living life with a sense of anticipation. My mind has begun to think about the possibilities. I am making plans for the future. Grief is loosening its grip, but it has been a long journey.
Ironically, in grieving there were times when I thought I had moved past it only to discover that I was entering a new stage in the process. There was relief when the continual tears ended. Then the anger reared it's ugly head. I let that go and fear and withdrawal set in. Dreams died and survival mode took over. However, through it all I clung to my faith. I talked to God every day. I poured out my crushed and wounded heart in my prayer journal. His Word was my strength.
God has walked with me every step of the way through the valley. He has come to mean so much more to me. He is my God who hears, the One who shelters me in the storm, the One who is with me, my Comforter, my Strength, and my Healer. An overflow of gratefulness often slips from my eyes and worship pours from my heart when I think of all he has done and of who He is.
Today as I once more begin typing words, it is with a renewed desire to share about my God who is faithful. He is my help. He is the One who makes it possible to dream again.
"I lift up my eyes to the mountains--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."
Psalm 121:1-2
It is very good to see a post from you. Can't imagine the pained hurt you all went through and are still going through to a decree. A person has to walk in those shoes to know. GOD BLESS you all as you travel this road.
ReplyDeleteCharlotte Moore