"Lord, I want a life in which I can't live or breathe without you."
Bold words. I said them with noble intent. I truly wanted every breath that I took to be with Jesus by my side.
However, when I am honest I have to admit I wanted Him to be by my side as I lived my chosen life the way I desired. I wanted to see the way where I was going. I wanted a storybook life where everything turned out right.
As my world spun out of control last year, I came face to face with the reality of the words I had spoken. There were days I literally could not take the next breath without him. The life I was so sure God had chosen for us seemed bleak and desperate. I could not understand. All looked dark.
"Lord, how do I live when I can't see where I am going?"I questioned God. I cried. In bouts of sobbing I said over and over, "I can't do this."
When the tears subsided these words always came to my mind. God put them there. I know that. In the quiet after my struggle, my arguing, my fighting, I heard..."Trust me, my daughter. Trust me."
Life went on. I took the next breath...and the next. It was ok.
I learned that I didn't have to know where I was going. God was there. He was my light. He gave light to my soul when my eyes could not see. He gave peace to my heart when the storms raged around me.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7 NIV)God guarded and protected my heart with a peace that was not possible on my own. He showed me that I truly could not live or breathe without Him.
I don't regret praying those words. No, not at all. I feel thankful for my God who was there for me as I learned to trust Him more.
He heard my prayer. I am glad he did even if I did not grasp the depth and full meaning of the words.
|Photo from www.freedigitalphotos.net|