Monday, August 31, 2015

Jesus Close To Me


Pain so deep.
A twisting in my stomach.
A crying of my heart.

Pain so deep.
My soul questions.
My mind can't comprehend.

Pain so deep.
It pierces.
It threatens to destroy.

I cry out.

I fight the answer.
It is sin.
The fall of man.

Sin destroys.
An aftermath continued from Eden.
Leaves no one untouched.

Yesterday as soon as worship started at church my eyes filled with tears.  I could not stop them.  They rolled down my face each one chasing another.  My heart ached.  It cried for my hurting family.  It wept over the pain of sin.  Anguish for my lost son gripped me.

I struggled.  I hoped no one saw.  I wanted to bury the pain.  Hide it from those around.  But it demanded to be released.  I longed to let the grief shake my body. To let the pain take its course.

Last night on our drive home, there was a beautiful full red moon.  I watched as dark clouds would pass over its surface from time to time.  It reflected my mood.  There was beauty, but it was obscured by darkness at times.  It was a mournful beauty.

The red against the black of night reminded me of Jesus's blood that was shed for our sins.  What agony Jesus must have suffered when he took the sins of the world upon him.  As I thought about the cross, I wondered.  Did Jesus die from the physical torture he went through, or did he die from taking the pain of sin upon himself?

Pain so deep.

This afternoon I opened an e-mail from a dear friend.  She sent me a verse she was praying for me.  It brought understanding and closure to my struggle yesterday.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

Who better to understand the pain of sin then our Father God and his Son?  Jesus took on the weight of sin, so that I could be free.  He understands my broken heart.  He walked this road that I may be free.  He is close to me.  He saves.

Pain so deep.
Death comes.
But it is not the end.

Pain so deep.
Resurrection power revealed.
Hope for this life of mine.

He is holding me and carrying our family through this trial.  He is the one who Overcomes.  He has the ending in His hands.

Throughout this year my husband and I have a song that has been a source of strength to us.  God in his providence had it as the focus in the worship yesterday. Here are some of the words:


My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus name

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

When Darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My anchor holds within the veil

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless stand before the throne.

He is Lord!  I look back today and see how He was there with me each moment yesterday. I like to think that the worship, the song "Cornerstone", the beautiful moon, and the e-mail in my box this morning were all Jesus.  Jesus close to me.  Jesus ministering to my pain so deep.


  1. It does break a mother and father's heart when a child is lost. HE knows all things though and it is in HIS hands.

    Charlotte Moore

  2. Now I am the one with tears in my eyes. Those words, Natasha, are so sad, so beautiful, so real, so hopeful. May you, may your family, may we all cling to the "Cornerstone" that " Anchor" that is so so so secure. Lord Jesus we love You, we trust You. Please, please pour out Your strength, Your wisdom, Your truth and Your unfailing love on Natasha and her family. Amen Love ya Natasha.