"What is it?" I questioned.
"It's my obituary. We had to write one for an assignment in English."
I glance down and the name at the top jumps out at me.
It glares at me, and that's all I see. Our son's name...but he has written down his last name from birth. Not our last name...the one we were so proud to give him eight years ago when his adoption was finalized.
I read through the rest of the obituary, but I don't remember a word of what it said. I was stuck on the name at the top. I was hurt. I was angry.
I asked him why he hadn't used our last name. He said something about his birth family being his "real" family.
I had to walk away.
Even writing about this a couple weeks after it happened, I have to hold back tears. There is still pain there. However, God has given me understanding.
Our son is a teenager struggling with his identity. Adolescence is difficult. Just tonight the conversation centered around feeling insecure with his peers. "Who am I? And where do I fit in? I feel so different from you. I am a preacher's kid...you don't understand what that's like." He is trying to establish who he is and where he fits in this world.
Although I understand, in all honesty I admit my flesh desires for our son to acknowledge us. I want him to fully embrace and claim our name. I want him to recognize that "real" are the ones who walk beside you through the tough passages in life, the ones who never give up on you, the ones who choose to love.
As I seek to come to terms with all this, conviction grips me. Deep down I grudgingly admit I have some of the same struggles. I try to find where I fit in. I become consumed with pleasing people. I am a Christian, but I don't always claim the name.
I cringe. I remember the pain I felt the other day and still feel...And I catch a glimpse of how my Heavenly Father must feel. He's done so much for me, yet I don't acknowledge Him as I should. I don't allow him to be my security and my all. I struggle to find my way on my own. I almost defiantly write my name and say, "This is who I am."
God looks at that name and says, "No, daughter. This is who you are. Remember what I've done."
I sought you
I saved you
Made you my own
And tears flow...
"Father, forgive me."
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