Woke up this morning to our sweet Baby Boy's call from his room, "Mama." Realistically he's not a baby. He'll be turning two in February. Playing silly games with him, cuddling him in my arms, singing to him as I tuck him in bed are all moments I treasure. His sweet but ornery smile brightens our days. I cannot imagine life without him. Praying adoption finalization will take that nagging fear away. Five months down and one to go before we can begin the legal process.
Little Girl was extra tired tonight. I helped her bathe and put on her warm flannel pajamas. Then she snuggled down into her new bedding that she got for Christmas. We read our Bible story and prayed together. Then she asked, "Mama, can we talk." She always likes to talk at bedtime. Tonight she told me how she missed her grandma. We hugged and I told her how she was special because she had a grandma a long ways away that loved her, but that she also had a mommy, daddy, and lots of brothers and sisters here that loved her. Then she said, "But that's not nice." I asked her why. She said, "Well, we have too many and we should share." We laughed and hugged and then she quickly fell asleep in my arms. I breathed a prayer to God as I kissed her soft curls and left her sleeping soundly in her bed.
My emotions have been all over the place these past couple months. I am "in love" with Baby Boy and Little Girl. However, I am also letting go of a life that might have been and coming to grips with a new reality. Before we took this placement, we were looking at about eight more years and then all of our children would be about grown. I'll be honest. I was looking forward to more freedom. I anticipated more time to write, to teach ladies Bible studies, and to explore some of my hobbies once again. Now I'm thinking, "Wow, I'm going to be 58 years old by the time Baby Boy graduates from high school."
I am not super woman. I am tired a lot which makes me more emotional. My husband has been a rock through all of this. I'm so grateful for him. Together we are working on making the adjustments.
As I think about the year ahead, I can't think too far or too big. That tends to reduce me to tears because I am easily overwhelmed. However, as I look at the New Year, I can honestly say I have no regrets for the decision we have made.
If I were to put into words a resolution for this year it would be with the Lord's help to just live each day one moment at a time. He will work out the details. He is creating new dreams for me, and he's always had my future in his hands. He knew these plans long before I did. Seeking to trust him more in 2014.